The English Patient

How many times have you come across a piece of literature that made you think, “This does seem to be written in English. Then why the heck am I not able to understand a thing?”? Now when this happens, there can be only two things; either you cannot read English or the writer cannot write in English.

It’s a widespread belief in India that using high sounding words or jargon or even obsolete ‘nigga’ slangs is the ‘in’ thing. And what’s worse is that even the so-called ‘language and speech’ trainers stress on this. Also included are putting up an accent, mugging up tough words, speaking quickly and my favorite, having weird expressions while talking. Some bright pupils go as far as using the ‘F’ word in multiple ways. It can be for joy, sorrow, happiness, exclamation, request, order and so on (there’s even a neat little sound clip which shows the uses with examples but it’s understood that it’s only for entertainment purpose.). Clearly, the Queen’s language has taken a backseat while people embrace the new, improved gibberish.

While doing all that, we have forgotten the basic rules which are of prime importance in any language. Grammar, spelling and phrasing of a sentence are rarely given any importance. Proper salutations and greetings are unheard of and people, more often than not, rely on ‘Waddup?’. The sms lingo, which was invented to save the labor of typing on a cramped keyboard has entered mainstream and there have been cases where school children have been using it in exams.

In my view, there’s an easy solution to all this. Reading stuff. Be it newspapers, magazines or even textbooks. Reading anything in which there’s minimal abuse of language will make you imitate its style and better your writing and speaking skills. You do not need to be a noble laureate in English but a correct knowledge of the language would suffice. Also, this will assure that you don’t go in an interview, hold up your hand and say ‘Waddup mate? Let’s make it quick and smooth’.

The six LETTER word

A lot of weird ‘stuff’ didn’t happen (and a lot more did) while the blog wasn’t been taken care of. But now, as it’s master is back and all that ‘stuff’ is left behind, its time to get down to some serious business. Nah! For that, you may refer to the newspapers. Here, all you can expect to find are stupid nothings which may not enlighten you or make you a better living being but I hope they at least compel you to ponder upon things which we rarely care for.

Awrite, that was a bit dramatic. Sorry for that. But what’s not dramatic is the fact that the modern man (and woman) has ceased to use the methods of communication that his forefathers (sorry but I’ve never heard of ‘foremothers’) so heavily relied on. The most important one being the humble letter.

Now you might say the electronic media has made the letter extinct but its still not the case. That piece of paper might have lost out on speed of delivery and security but its still the most personal means of communication you can ever have. Unlike email, you cannot post ‘forwards’ by letters. And its much better than e-mailing, SMSing or scrapping birthday greetings which is currently the norm. What’s more is that human touch of handwritten words which instantly lets the other person know how you feel. Compare it with the cold, machine-like feel of an e-mail and you have a clear winner.

On the other hand, e-mail has done a lot for the environment. Imagine the number of trees that would’ve needed to be felled if all the electronic communication was to be put on paper. And the space it saves is oh-so precious for so many office people.

So we have no clear winner. Both the mediums have their advantages. And besides, even I e-mail or scrap people birthday greetings many a times. And the number of letters that I’ve written so far is two. And both were leave applications.

Long live the blog. But make it short.

Awrite. Second post of the day. Seems like I’ve got nothing better to do. Or that I want to increase the posts so that the blog doesn’t look so forlorn. Either way, it does get a little longer. And that, for most people is a put off. Specially, when the fonts are pretty small (that has been taken care of now) and the clock is set to New Zealand standard time (wonder why it didn’t get noticed). So while doing all this tweaking, I thought one more post today won’t hurt much.

So where were we? Ah! The length. The single most sinister thing that prevents people from reading your posts. You might have got good enough page hits but hey, how many people have actually read all the entries? Let’s have role reversals. How many really long blog entries have you read? I am sure that won’t be a big number (unless you are tied up with some stupid site which reviews blogs. Seriously, do we need a blog review?).

Keeping it short is the in thing. Even the newspapers know that. Look at the articles 10 years ago and look at ‘em now. They, like the bikini, have only grown smaller. But the thing to note is that they are on paper which is much easier to read than text on a monitor. And they have a much pleasant font size and style than most blogs (including this one).

Well my point is do we need to write so much? Shorter yet articulate posts have a much higher probability of being read than full length professional articles. Hope mine is short enough to get the point through. And hope the fonts are just of the right size. And oh, I guess the bikini is getting smaller quicker than the articles in the morning papers (and the post picture really doesn't make any sense).

Come, let's protest!

Can you find anything in this blog as so appalling as to protest against its inclusion? Anything that could hurt religious sentiments is anti-national or just plain ‘ol obscene? Most people would reply in negative. But a large majority, who stay at home watching the current ‘happenings’ on television would certainly spot out the ‘objectionable’ content. As far as I can guess, the common complains would be:

The generous use of the color orange is an insult to the national flag in which 1/3rd of the portion is of the same color.

The picture included in the first post is anti-national as the guys blowing the trumpet with their bottoms seem to be of Indian origin on a closer inspection.

The picture of the sky in the header is depressing as it has no clouds and thus symbolizes that summer will stretch a bit long, with no rains in sight.

Utter disrespect has been shown to the Indian deities by giving the title of ‘the gods’ to a brit pop band.

As insane as it might seem, I assure you that it’s nothing when compared to the farces they show on TV in the name of news. National and international news has taken a backseat and all attention has been focused on the new bestsellers, ‘How can they do this?’ or ‘This is so revolting’ or maybe ‘They deserve to die’. It seems that hyped, over-sexed and blown-out-of-proportion tit-bits are the order of the day as the common man (and woman) seem more than eager to devour all that is served to them. Are the principles of broadcasting buried under all this filth? Will there be a day when ‘breaking news’ will be replaced by ‘brainy news’? While I figure it out, try and find more flaws in the blog. I am sure you will come up with some ‘newsworthy’ material and probably feature on the evening special.

Again?

Initially, they weren’t ready to believe it. They thought it was a joke. Then when they realized it wasn’t, they cried their hearts out. Now, they have resorted to protest and even violence. Whew! That’s it. Enough is enough. No more blood shed. I have heard all your pleas. The blog is back and is here to stay.

I wish any of the above were true. Though only a handful of people (that is if you have really small hands) told me not to quit writing, it was more than what I expected. And all of them had the very same argument, “Why do you care if you get very few hits? Write for yourself. There is no shorter route to nirvana.” Guess that is what that did the trick and motivated me to be a proper blogger again.

I might be making it seem like a part four of the ‘godfather’ but yeah, for me it’s no less. The blogosphere is the only place in the world where you can express yourself the way you want minus all the inhibitions. But unfortunately, as I am not writing the blog with an alias, I have to be careful with the content. Though I have a tendency to go all the way if a topic is really close to my heart.

Now I don’t really do this quite often but I just have to thank the people due to whom this blog had a rebirth.

Jenny, who wrote the very first comment on the old blog.

Ms. V., who has unique way with words and can easily get away by writing ‘pOOf!’ every other time.

Nitin, who very tactfully made me visit his blog and learn to write from the heart.

Yash aka Mafia & Manish aka Lunja, who so desperately want the “Right said Fred” scraps.

I am sure I missed a few. But no worries. Just temme and I’ll do it ASAP. That’s it for this time but do keep watching this space for “proper” blog entries. And I’ll be more careful not to make it too clichéd.